ON BEING A LADY

I have just re-read your Where's Waldo post. Since you and I are the only people currently blogging, I will respond to you here, hoping that turns out better than doing it as a comment on your blogspace and going on and on.

The first thing that comes to mind is: perhaps your self concept has been left behind you. As a math teacher, it was alive and flourishing. As a student you were looking forward. Perhaps NOW you have "arrived" and you don't know exactly where you are heading next. And perhaps your wonderful self concept is still packed away in your traveling trunks and just needs a good airing.

When I worked for Sprint, for some unknown reason, I felt better about myself. The job was very stressful and I would actually sweat over it, (which is something I just don't do...sweat.) But somehow I felt confident and even happy there. You have stated that it was pretty much the same for you when you were teaching. Life was under control for you. You had a good definition of who you were. You were free to express yourself. Life belonged to you. Ahh..it brings back memories. Now, it looks like life is full of questions...like everything you do or think about is a question. No wonder you are unsettled.

It seems to me that we are more content when we can put ourselves "out there"/present ourselves/be ourselves as we have chosen, knowing that it's the best of our efforts. And we expect that it's acceptable and even admired by others. For quite awhile now you have been doubting your own choices. It appears that you aren't sure of just where you are headed or what you're doing. (This does not cover your marriage, by the way. Don't think that.) You went through the big dilemma of giving up make-up or not, for example. That is not a small issue. You will recall others. Now, as you move into a new apartment that should be all yours, totally yours, a judgement comes up against your painting. "Can you have that? Is it moral? What if someone sees it?" Your ethics are questioned. And you have already decided that you want the painting. You loved it. It spoke to you.

Maybe it's the same about how you dress and the hair and make-up. And this brings up a thought....why is this being addressed now at all?? Just why is this a problem for you?? It shouldn't be. Where did you go? Where are you? Did you leave yourself at your last apartment...the one facing east, overlooking the pool?

I am working on this as I go here, which means I didn't have a pre-conceived theory to put forth. If it seems a work in progress that's because it is. But....where did you go? Go home. Unpack your bags. Bring out the dresses/blouses and the make-up and your beautiful hair and the sassiness and the cuteness and PUT IT BACK ON! You captured your true love's heart back then and now you're asking how to make him happy and what does he want. HE WANTS YOU! You are who you are. You are who you were. Where did this idea of change come from?? Change to what? to who?

It happens, I know. I've told you this before but...when I went to my aunt Ruby's funeral, for some reason I (suddenly) became the real me again. I hadn't been for a long time. I had become very inhibited about expressing myself as me. But for some reason it disappeared at the viewing the night before the funeral. I don't know why. And I was able to move and think and act like myself. I hugged my cousins and teased them about not seeing them for so long. I expressed my sincere feelings for them. It was the first time in years I had felt so free. For years it seemed like it would never be the proper thing to do. I had "clammed up" with a lot of people. Expressing myself, or even having something to express was just not proper, not the right thing to do. I'm wondering why you are doing the same kind of thing. Who makes you feel this way? Are people very, very conservative at church? Do you feel like it's not nice if you look great or attractive now that you have a husband? That's a natural response. After all, you certainly aren't trying to attract other men's attention. So is it okay to still look fabulous? Oh hell yes! I hope so! But I think it might be a normal response to feel the other way. Maybe the husbands get insecure and want us tempered down. Mine did. It was a big part of things for me.

Go for the grand, I say. It will do you good. It will do your children good. Think of how good they will feel with a mother who is confident and sassy and full of life, and beautiful. Honestly , I believe we really need that in this world. Self-esteem is a threatened existence. Womanhood as an inspiring and adored quality is almost extinct. Let's bring it back. Let's nurture it and care for it and make it thrive and grow. Be someone that others who need to can look at and admire and emulate. There are some, girls and boys, who really need healthy female role models. Think about it...you know it's true. Be who you are. And you will inspire me as well. I think the world of you. You are so adorable and admirable. Go pull yourself out of the suitcases and put yourself back on. You are a vanishing breed. You are truly a Lady. We need you.