ENOUGH OF ALL THIS OPPRESSION !!

and there it was in black and white.... all the oppression I've been feeling all these thousands of years...that invisible force, that fifty foot brick wall we've all been turning against, the indecision, the inabilities, the weight of a sinking -like- a- stone -heaviness in the gut. It keeps each of us from being excited, from feeling giddy and silly...ever!...or being able to leave our cares at the office or wherever they belong. It's the heavy, heavy cloud of gloom traveling over our heads twentyfour hours a day. It's why there is always a nagging feeling that we can't make the right choice, haven't done well, don't have a chance for success. We haven't been allowed to achieve or accomplish. We never get it right or do well.

This phantom demon of oppression is such a vague embodiment that I do not even know what to call it. I don't know how to describe it or label it. I do not know how to fight it. At this point, I only know it's there. This negative outlook on life so inconceiveable, but like a magnetice force, so real. It is powerful. It purports to have a mission all it's own.

Do you know about the frogs in a biology class? It's been told a teacher once put frogs in a pot of lukewarm water over a live burner. Slowly the teacher would increase the heat under the pot and so increase the heat in the water. Eventually, the water reaches a boiling point. It slowly cooks the frogs. The poor stupid creatures remain so complacant in the pot that they do not realize the water gets hotter and hotter reaching the danger point. They make no attempt to get away. They may have been uncomfortable but they didn't feel the danger. They just stayed in there.

A tiny bit of negativity, dosed out little by little every day of your life can and will gain heat and influence. Within the mind it will form the most basic soup a mind might be living in. Eventually, the soup is thick sludge, sticky and slimy and won't clean off. Life is seen through gooped-up vision. Scenes of purpose or dreams are slathered in doubt and so much criticism that there is little left but guilt. Guilt will not nurture progress. Guilt smothers success. Guilt is a by-product run rampant. Guilt is cr*p!....a waste product.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to clean off the guilt and polish the soul. It's an impossible task. All that negative re-enforcement! All that reversing of positive images. It's like we've been trapped behind the looking glass, seeing life and seeing there is a good person "over there", but unable to be that person, unable to get through.
It just isn't allowed. You can't do it. You don't know how. It won't work.

We must break the looking glass. We must shatter all the untruth, the unclear perceptions of doubt and not measuring up. I don't know if tapping and breathing can do this...(also seen as meditation.) I feel like, right now, screaming might help. It sounds therapeutic at the moment....screaming, with howling banshees launching from my throat, and moans wrenching from my belly. No wonder some of us end up with cancer or such self destuction.

I thought I brought all this with me from my childhood. While that might be true for some percent, I'll just say I got a good foundation for most of it then. Something about my family.......they were so judgemental all the time. I grew up 'disliking' people I never had the chance to really know. I've had misled opinions about some of them all my life. Then one day I realized that I didn't even know them. What I thought was what I was taught to think. Maybe my aunt had social anxiety...no one knew it of course...but maybe she had real problems about being in public. No one gave her credit, of course, for a real malady. She was disliked as a matter of course with no compassion whatsoever. Maybe she was just a lazy loser, too. I don't know. The point is, we learned to never begin an aquaintance by simply accepting the person at face value. It was dislike and snubbery...(funny word that is, huh?-)...from the beginning.

I always thought a lot was wrong with me. I had all the attributes of an old rag. This thought was reinforced often enough to become a large part of my personal identity. I learned to live with it. What I may be discovering at this moment...i.e.just before I typed this, another catharsis.... is, it is in all of my children as well. (I slow down typing those last six words because it is a dreaded thing to type.) The sludge, the sticky, slimy goop is in all of your heads. It's how you've grown up, it's what you know. It's how you see yourselves and the world. Over all these years, the daily drip,drip of sludge and negative goop has covered you all. I knew it was on me. But I didn't realize it's on you.

I've been talking to one of my cute, adorable baby bears. The cute, the adorable has been threatened in her. There is a brick wall built all around her too. I've seen you all as so amazing, so gifted, so talented, so able to become so much. What could possible hold you back? What is it that holds you back? Why are you not soaring above the clouds? It must be the steady drip, drip, drip of negativity, the constant goopy glops of thinking that whatever you are thinking about or wanting to do just won't work. "Don't get too excited. It will turn to crap. Don't expect to succeed...you're just a bum. Life is not fun. You shouldn't expect that. You'll never make it. Tomorrow all of living will be gross and unbearable." The list goes on and on. I knew it was there within me, but I didn't realize it was there in you.

I know I helped give it to you with the unkept house, the subdued feelings all the time, the inability to care for you or even feed you. I think for me there were no possibilities. I never knew how to make anything happen.

We all lived like that. How could it not affect you? Why did I not realize that? I guess we were all trying to swim upstream. We were just looking for a little spot to rest on for a few minutes each day. How oppressive! How tragic to be making this mistake day after day, to be cultivating all the negative feelings and thoughts that would work to destroy us. How wiley is the devil to know how to create so much destruction from the inside out.

I've actually been suprised to see how happy each of you has been at different times, in different ways. Thank God for that. We have a strong core in our family of love for each other. I hope it remains strong. I hope we find a way to replace the goop of oppression for laughter and love and fun as well as strength and confidence and passion for all you love and seek in life. I think our best defense is happiness. It will bring self acceptance and love. We will be fearless and happy.
I really hope so.