IT ALL STARTED WHEN I WAS A VERY LITTLE GIRL......

I'm finding it interesting that some of us are avoiding change or discovering that we don't need change, while I seek change and can't seem to make it happen. Why is it such a nonconstant and elusive part of the universe.?

I think I have been waking up every day for the last fifty years wanting somthing in my life to be different, different things at different times, but always something. I look at myself and life and I think you just can't change much of anything. I wanted so much for all the heartache in my parents lives to go away as I was growing up, to change, to become happiness and joy . It never happened. In my own post twenty-year old life, I worked constantly for change, something to make things better, to make all the persisting hurtful, pressing, oppressive facts of life not be real. There was always something hanging in the air, like caustic gases, that one had to breathe to survive even if it meant burning so badly on your inside. Always a new demon ready to come spinning in front of you with more devestating news of something to feel pain about.

Depression and hopelessness smother and melt my confidence like a shadow of death. I feel it wrap around my soul and then I perspire and disintegrate. There is nothing left of my vitality. Whatever joys and pleasures I have been holding onto are sucked away by a banshee phantom of darkness and gloom.

Who wouldn't want change? Who doesn't long to find a slice of sunshine in a blue sky? Can you still remember hearing angel chorus's singing in the clouds, listening to the grass grow, and watching the flowers whisper to each other? Were things different then somehow? Or was there always something dark in the trees, a heaviness behind us, an uncertainty hovering around us wherever we walked? Maybe it was always there, this force of nonchange, this life set in stone that cannot change. The voices and faces of the past tried to warn us. They tried to scream at us in choraled sound against the winds of nonchange. "You are here," they would say. "You cannot leave this. You cannot change it. You will fail. Whatever you try to change, you will fail. You will fail forever." And the heaviness inside tells you it is true. You cannot rid yourself of the heavy, heavy darkness in your stomach, the heavy darkness of unchange. It will always, always be there. You will be the same forever.