It has come to my attention through a process I just can't explain here... [I've been trying to do just that for about 25 minutes now and it just won't jell.]... that basically my core nature is to be...drumroll, please.... obedient... [ Ohhhh.....Shoot!!!! ] It's something I learned in my earliest days and has apparantly stayed with me for all this time.
Obedient. It means that my response to almost everything is to do what I'm supposed to do, whatever is expected of me. My job is to make the people in my life satisfied and complacent and have things the way they want them to be. It means I put myself on the back burner almost always. This could be a problem. Krush and I were talking in a soul-searching, gonna' solve my life problems and understand myself better way. And we pursued how this position can make us feel. It often makes me feel not so good. Putting everyone else first... not specifically....but in general...often puts me last. And putting myself last on the list all the time, diminishes my worth and leaves me unfinished. Diminishing my own worth and putting my needs or wants last makes me very inefficient and ineffective. Doing that means I frequently don't get important things done and I come across as shabby, unsuccessful, not productive, behind ... you name it. It diminishes me as a role model for one thing. I never quite make the grade, even though I am constantly battling to do so. I don't make the grade because I don't have enough self-respect to feed my own accomplishment. What I should do is not as important as what somebody else wants at the moment, so I relinguish my own power. I have felt this way for so long that it's just there. It just is. It's just me.
I had a flashback about being very small, and someone saying to me "That's a good girl," putting me in a be-still-and-wait-here mode of sorts. When Krush asked me how I felt about that at the time, she said, "Not what you thought about. How did you feel?" I felt diminished and unimportant. I was learning this obedience and that would become my station in life. It was all being set right then. I still feel that other people come first and my spot is at the end of the line.
I'm not trying to be maudlin here, but it is interesting and it holds the possibility of being helpful. It could go a long way in developing efficiency and getting hold of my habits and responsibilities. With me, tasks are often left for later and never get taken care of. I am an unproductive person. I really need to change, stop waiting, and allowing less important issues to come first. Organization is often last on my list. I don't paint the room my favorite color because no one else will like it. Know what I mean??
And what is a blog for but to get your thoughts out where you can take a look at them?? It's a good way to go introspective.
Okay, think younger, and change focus once in awhile. Got it !!!! Thank you...I've enjoyed our chat. I hope it has given you something to think about as well. ^.^)
6 years ago
4 comments:
First of all I love your kitty. She's a lot of fun to tickle her ears and tease her.
Second - Rosalie, you're not at the bottom, you're at the top. You just haven't got there yet but you will. Blessings, dear friend, Diane
Rosalie!!!!!!!
HOW INTERESTING that you mentioned that maybe my blog post addressed this? Well dearest, first of all , thank you for visiting and for your kind words! And obedience is the most CHALLENGING thing for many of us that want to fulfill our dreams. But DO THINK YOUNGER and CHANGE YOUR FOCUS....I am still learning that and I think I will always be learning that. But the good thing is that it DOES KEEP YOU GROWING UP and not GROWING OLD. THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH for speaking your mind here; blogging does just that...it allows us to shape our thoughts as any diary or journal does!
PEACE! Anita
It is great when we can actually see the problem, thus we can then try to do something about it. I think the fact that you know that you put yourself last is remarkable Rosalie. I used to be such a people-pleaser and then someone pointed it out to me. I have to say, I was quite taken back by it, because I had always thought myself rather selfish. I was able to work on it and have been working on it for years. I think it is a women thing, don't you? Never feeling we measure up, never thinking we do enough or ARE enough...but we ARE, all of us! I think that is the beginning of really being able to see that we are so important to so many.
Thank you dearest for your lovely message. I was so pleased with the feature.
sending many hugs...
Good Grief! I'm trying to find words................You need to read "The Good Earth". You seem to be describing Olan, the peasant wife/slave.......or to be more precise, slave/wife....I think we need to talk!
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