I keep thinking about all you've said in your blog and trying to find a nice, concise way to respond. I feel what you're saying but I don't know what to say. I think we've all just come to this world and now here we are. We all have good qualities and wonderful possibilities within us, but we get here and are so pushed and shoved by other people and situations that we have to start fighting back. The fighting brings out parts of us we didn't want to be there.
You were such a good and sweet little girl, who was so obedient and tried to do everything well. That was your nature. It still is. But now you have to be a grown-up and you have to fight the battles of life, and that just isn't easy. I think of your Grandma, who was so many times pushed into being the enforcer. (Actually, it could be either one of your grandmothers.) She really hated that. Basically, she was sweet and fun-loving and wouldn't hurt anything. But she often had the whole family angry because she stood up for principles that she knew was right. I wanted the best for my children and at first I could see no reason why they wouldn't get it. But, you know how it goes. We're all here, in this less than desireable world, and we have to make the most of it. Now all of you are struggling to survive. It's a battleground. But each of you has experience and you can be the General of the Army, or the Captain of the Ship.
As I read your blog, and your thoughts for your baby, I wondered if our Heavenly Father doesn't feel the same way. He has told us that all He has can be ours. He wants us to have everything our hearts desire. This really must be a lonely, dreary place, and it's as difficult for him to watch us as it is for us to be here. I'm quite sure He is hoping for us to make it through the storms, just like I hope you and your baby will have happiness and good fortune. The nice thing is He has a great deal of power to help make it happen, whereas, I am very deficient in my abilities to help you. (Should I even be making such a comparison, here? That might be the subject for a new blog, eh?)
This should be on a happier note. I have wandered off to seriousness when I didn't mean to. What you should know is, you are being more true to yourself than you realize. Once you get back to Heaven, you can be that person without all the pushings and pullings of this world. Your baby is already a very fortunate and blessed little spirit to be a part of you. The two of you will make a great team. You will teach him/her the things he/she needs to know and you will be there at every turn to help. That goes a long way. And Father in Heaven will be watching out for you too. He loves you even more than I do.
5 years ago
2 comments:
I certainly don't know the recipient of this message, but I love what you said. You said it so well. It all seems so simple, and then, it's not. Nothing is as simple as it seems. I feel like I do battle just with myself regularly. My human self is just not as good as I think she should be, and my other self is frequently frustrated by my oh, so human actions. There was an LDS song a long time ago that said we should all be kinder to ourselves, and I think we should.
I've been reading and re-reading this trying to come up with a good response. I really appreciate all you've said. I really don't know where all my expectations come from, but as I get older, it is easier to see that a lot of it comes from me and my way of being and interpreting things, and not other people. That makes it even more complicated! And now I'm just worried what I'll place on my children and not even know it, thinking I'm just loving them and wanting the best for them. Even just looking at other people's Halloween pictures- even their teeny babies are all cute and dressed up- I feel pressure to be this perfect mom and worry I'll be too poor or not creative enough! And maybe that's okay, but how do you teach your kids that it's okay? Or how do I not let them feel the inferiority I feel? Or... and.... but... ???...blah...
Anyway, thanks for the response!
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