HAUNTED BY THE PAST

Generally, I believe there are only two of you who read this blog regularly. I've just read your blogs and they are very close to the same subject and I want to respond to both of them, but I think it requires a lot of space and 'splainin' so here I am.

In both blogs, each of you state that you are bothered by a nagging question, "what do you want to do that for???" It could be funny, maybe not, but that is what your papabear often chides me for 'saying' to him, although it is NOT what I say to him at all. I 'm not sure where it even came from. He has been claiming that I have been saying this to him for years. Oh well. It IS what my mother said so many times to me. I think it worked well then for what she intended it to, not questioning my sensibility, but causing me to think about what I was doing. I did stop and think things over and always felt challenged about my choices at the time.

But now, after forty or so years, I think I've been set up by the devil. If my spouse and my children are all haunted and bugged by this phrase circling like a vulture in their heads, as they claim to be, it must be the result of a diabolical plot to destroy us all. "What do you want to do THAT for???!!!!!" has been the serpent hissssing in our brains for all these years.!!! Ask yourself, to whom are you responding here?

May I give you a quote from Ayn Rand, author of Atlas Shrugged, "Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world ---to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage."

More and more, I believe that there is a counterforce in this world that is set to destroy us. Call it the Devil if you will. Are we not constantly barraged with obstination. (is that a word or did I just make it up myself? tee hee.) The point I want to make is that living is a battle. Maybe we will never get up for very long and not be bopped back down again. But I do believe we will get stronger if we determine to be. .

Obviously, what I learned growing up has been taught to my children....be submissive, you don't know everything, you're wrong, everyone else is better than you are, etc. etc. I think it's almost amusing that I am still wrestling with this as well as discovering more and more of it within myself. I know the doubt in your head comes from me. I feel bad because I know it comes from my mother, and I wonder why there was so much of it with her. She would never have wanted any of us to feel badly and unsure of ourselves. She didn't doubt our talents or abilities. I certainly don't want my children to have doubts about themselves. I honestly don't know why any of you should have doubts. You are the most wonderful people ever. Sometimes I can't help wondering if all of us in this family are banded together because each of us is one of the powerful. It takes the ones who are stronger to stand up for the rest of the world. The noble will face the most challenges. Heather is right...there is rhyme and reason to everything. We are here to support each other and just possibly help others see the way.

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love:Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles)

Don't ask your self the old vulture's question: What do you want to do THAT for?" Be the water in the river. Even the rocks can't stop you. Water can go over and around a rock and still keep flowing. It can find it's way through anything. We need a new definition of self. I think we need to just let that old definition blow away in the wind. As long as we pay homage to it, it will thrive and grow. I hope we can be a real support group for each other and help to erradicate the doubts.

"We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present." Marianne Williamson

You are stronger than you think. I love you and I will endeavor to become stronger for you.