MORE BOOKS, ETC

After all the complaining about books and sheet music...guess where I am now and what I've been doing all day. I'm at the computer now, hoping to chronicle my feelings and sort them out.
I just spent the day putting more books on the "shelf" on Librarything and, delightfully, loading the covers of previously naked books so that they show up on the cover view. I've been having a really great time doing this. I love finding the covers and getting them to show up for me. And I think that, honestly, I have finally dug up all the books in the house that I want to admit to owning. Okay...mission accomplished. Whew!

Looking over one's list of books, read, owned, wished for, and remembered, can be a bit of a revelation about the life she has lived so far. At first I felt pretty pompous about my above-average intellect and literary accomplishments. (See previous blog) It was pleasing to see myself expressed this way. But,then, wait a minute... I thought I had read a few more really good books than what showed up. Hmm...must have missed a few.

I proceeded to add more books to my list, even if they weren't so literary or philosophical. I added a lot under the tag of health/beauty, decorating/organizing, family history, and even cooking (because those books are sooooo beautiful, and kind of exotic.) I even added scrapbooking, because those are very nice books. I went on to add children's books. They are some of my very favorites and the most beautiful of all. Many of them take me back either to my own childhood or that of my children and they make me very happy.

There are two things,however, that are not so positive about all this. One is the discovery that I am not nearly as smart or educated as I like to think I am. (But my children are!!) I don't express my self well, and my vocabulary has diminished in effect, primarily since so many "upstarts" I know have far superior vocabularies. The other startling realization brings up the question: what have I been doing for the last 30 years??!!! Just what??? It looks to me as if I had no clue who I was or where I was going. There are so many books on the same subjects. It's as if I couldn't find my way to get my problems solved but went searching from book to book to book, in a rather promiscuous fashion. I feel lost, for now as well as then. What was I so desperately looking for? Why couldn't I find it? Why are there so many books on the same subject? Wouldn't you think that just one or two would do? I have so many books on housekeeping, for example, and you all know that my house is the least kept of any we know. So the problem wasn't knowing how to clean the house. I KNOW how to clean the house...I don't know how to GET the house cleaned. See the difference? So much searching for something. The something must have been myself. I needed a friend...a mother...an instructor...a partner....fulfillment somehow. It's just rather disappointing to realize I've been chasing rainbows, never reaching the end and never knowing that the chase would be in vain. It seems so mindless. But really, there are people who just aren't very good at getting things done and apparantly I am one of them. Buying a book is buying a promise that you will find all the answers you're looking for within its covers. Even if you don't, you can spend a lot of time looking for the answers, giving yourself lots of time to be in denial about whatever is bothering you. It's an enjoyable fix. If you're unhappy, buy a book. Low on self-esteem? Read a book...it will tell you all about yourself and calm your fears. Don't know how to cook? Buy big beautiful books that promise elaborate, exquisite, perfect dinners that also guarantee you'll be beautiful and slender as you serve it. Read about how to raise and discipline your children and you can rest assured they will be happy and successful human beings. It's all in the book.

Oh well. I'm fine for now and whatever was, has come and gone.I wouldn't want to live without my books. They make me very happy. Maybe now as I look it over, I can find some values and distinctions that can be appreciated and not appear to be so undeveloped. There are, however, too many books now...do you believe that? And that means that perhaps some of them can go. The library can be edited and refined. It will be great to lose all the redundancy. It will be a cleansing process, and interesting to watch. There really are too many books. It gets overwhelming even on a webpage, not to mention putting them all away again. As you might imagine, there are books all over my living room. Oh well, like I say, it's been a fun obsession playing with Librarything, and learning a few things about myself. Stay tuned....you never know how things will look tomorrow.